Naljanurk

[chi]

nali / naljad / naljakas / huumor
võiks ka olla siis... alustan...
on ehk keegi, kes oleks sele vastu, et inglisekeelseid nalju siia postitada? ( tõlkides ei pruugi nad niivõrd hästi kõlada..... )

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K: kas teate kuidas elevanti külmkappi panna?
v: Teed külmkapi ulse lahti, võtad elevandi, paned külmkappi ja lööd ukse kinni!

K: Aga kaelkirjskut?
V:Ei ei saa samamoodi, sest elevant on juba seal! seega võtad elevandi välja ja paned kaelkirjaku sisse!

Metsas oli 1 suur kokkusaamine, milles osalesid kõik loomad. Arva, kes kohale ei tulnud?
V: Kaelkirjak (ta istus ju külmkapis!!!)

metsa läbib 1. pikk järv, milles elab jubedalt krokodille, igaks juhuks pandi sinna ka suur poster " Ettevaatust krokodillid "! selle järve ees seisab 1 mees, kuidas ta teisele kaldale saab?
V: Ujub , mäletate? krokodillid on ju kokkusaamisel!

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Inimesed käisid mulle varem pidevalt järgmise küsimusega närvidele ..."Millal sa ükskord abiellud?" Vanemast soost inimesed käisid mind abiellumispidudel ribidesse torkimas ja kaagutasid " Sa oled järgmine! " Nad jätsid järgi siis, kui ma seda sama neile matuste ajal tegama hakkasin!

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Ühel ilusal päikesepaistelisel päeval kõndis maagiline konn mööda metsa. Ta kõndis ja kõndis, kuid kuna see mets oli ääretult suur, ei näinud ta terve päeva jooksul kedagi. Lõpuks jõudis ta järve äärde, kus nägi KARU oma õhtusööki ( jänest ) taga ajamas. Ta peatas mõlemad ja ütles," kuna te olete esimesed 2 keda ma näen, täidan ma teil mõlemal 3 soovi! "

karu mõtles veidi ja ütles "olgu kõik karud siin metsas EMASED!" ja PUFF
jänes seevastu "Kiiver" ja PUFF
karu imestas jänese rumaluse üle ja ütles "olgu kõik karud ka naabermetsas emased!" ja PUFF
Jänes "tahan mootorratast!" ja PUFF
karu imestas jälle (ta oleks ju võinud raha soovida ja selle mootorratta osta!!!???) ja ütles..."Tegelt olgu kõik karud siin maailmas emansed" ja PUFF kõik karud said emaseks!

JÄNES vajutas gaasi....veel ja veel.....ja ütles" Soovin, et KARU oleks gay! ".....

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KANADA ....
3 meest kõnnivad koos Newfie, Quebecer ja Vancouve
Na möödusid laternast ja äkki hüppas ei tea kust JINNIE välja ja ütles " ma täidan teil igal ühel 1 soovi! "

Newfie: MA olen kalamees ja mu isa ja vanaisa olid samuti kalamehed, seega tahan, et ookeanid oleksid kala täis.....

Quebecer: oli sellest hämmingus ja ütles: " tahan suurt müüri Quebec -i ümber, et miski sisse ei saks!"

'POOF' ja Quebec-i ümber oligi müür.

Vancouver: "kuule jinnie räägi mulle sellest seinast veidike...."
Jinnie:"müür on 150 meetri kõrgune ja 50 meetri paksune ja midagi ei saa sisse!"
Vancouver "Täida see veega!"

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2 meest joovad baaris. Äkki pöördub 1 teise poole ja ütleb "ma avastasin, et kui sa sit aknast välja hüppad ja 10 korruseni jõuad, kannab tuul sind ümber maja ja tagasi siia rõdule!"
"ole nüüd ei saa ometi olla" vastab teine ja vaatab bartenderi poole, kes peaga raputab....
"Las ma tõestan seda sulle" ja hüppabki rõdult alla,....jõuab siis 10 korruseni ja ennäe imet tuul kannabki ta ümber maja ja uuesti tagasi rõduni!
"ei saa olla see pidi nö. 1 kordne õmnn olevat"
"ei ei ometi mitte las ma tõestan seda sulle veelkord" ja tõestabki!
"sa vana kurat töötabki" ja otsustab samuti proovida.....
Hüppab alla ja möödub siis 12 11 10 9 8 7 korrustest ja kukub plärtsti vastu tänava asfalti....

Bartender pöördub teise jooja poole ja ütleb "Tead Superman sa oled ikka üks täielik ***** kui sa purjus oled !!!

[Karst]

1 inglisekeelne:
Two eggs are frying on the pan.
1st egg:
-It's getting pretty hot here...
2. egg:
-Jesus Christ! A talking egg!
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[Nana]

Kaks tomatit lähevad üle tee.
I:"Oi vaata, auto tuleb" *lärts*

II:"Oh! Kus?" *Plärts*

vaesed väiksed tomatid

[Random]

Random, xin, trash ja hjarg on kapi ees. Peale ühe kasti õlle ärajoomist läheb üks kappi, teised panevad silmad kinni ja püüavad ära arvata, kes on kapis.

peale teist kasti läheb uus inimene kappi, teised püüavad ära arvata kes on kapis, silmad võivad lahti olla, omavahel nõu pidada ei tohi.

peale kolmandat kasti läheb kolmas inimene kappi, välja jäänud inimesed püüavad ära arvata, kes on kapis, omavahel võib nõu pidada.

neljas kast lõpetatud - uus inimene kappi. kapis olev inimene peab ära arvama, kas ta on kapis või mitte, väljas olijatega võib nõu pidada.

Viies kast tühi - kõik osavõtjad püüavad ära arvata kas nad on kapis, voodis või kusagil trepi all.
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[Ummi]

Addition:
Kuues kast tühi: kõik mõtlevad, kes kurat kõik õlle ära on joonud.

Seitsmes kast tühi: kõik ehitavad endale kastide sisse voodid, ülejäänud kastid on oksendamiseks.

Järgmine päev, pohmellis, ei suuda keegi ära arvata, kust need õllekastid sinna tekkisid.
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baka pole surnud, me postitame siia peaaegu iga kuu

[DFZ]

Ei ole eriti palju huumorit aga ehk õnnestub.

Siil istub metsas kännu otsas ja hüüab:
,,Ma olen tugev! Ma olen tugev! ''
Karu läheb mööda, mõtleb natuke ja virutab siis Siilile jalaga.
Siil teeb suure kaarega lennu ja maandub põõsas. Natukese aja pärast tuleb siis põõsast välja, pühib sodist puhtaks ja ütleb:
,,Ma olen tugev, aga kerge.''



Jõehobu ja Kaelkirjak teevad enesetappu. Otsustavad siis 10. korruse aknast alla hüpata ja kaelkirjak läheb esimesena. Hüppab ja ütleb:
,,10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1'' Järsku käib vali PLÄRTS.

Hüppab siis Jõehobu ja kukub.
,,10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...asfalt, muld, liiv. Oi! Tere kaevurid!''

[raidomees]

Ma tahan ka midagi aeg-ajalt postitada ja kuna ma olen nii mõttetu tüüp, et ma saaks mujale enamasti ainult spämmida, siis mõtlesin kirjutada siia ühe tobeda nalja, mis on ainus, mis mulle hetkel meenub.

Juku läheb poodi.
Varsti tuleb ta poest alasti välja, miks?

Sest ta läks alasti sisse.

[Bushidon]

Mis on viimane asi, mis käib putukal peast läbi, kui ta põrkab vastu su tuuleklaasi?
Tema perse.

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Koolis on zooloogiatund. Õpetaja küsib:
"Lapsed, mida me saame hanest?"
"Liha!"
"Tubli! Mida veel?"
Mann ajab kätt püsti:
"Mune!"
"Väga hea! Juku, mida veel?"
"Ma ei tea."
Mille peal sa magad?
"Naril."
"Millele sa pea paned?"
"Vildile."
"Kus su isa magab?"
"Põrandal."
"Mida tema pea alla paneb?"
"Teise vildi."
"Aga vanaisa, kus tema magab?"
"Ahju peal."
"Mis temal pea all on?"
"Padi."
"No vot. Kui me nüüd vanaisa padja katki lõikame, mis me siis saame?"
"Vanaisalt karguga munadesse."


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Transvestiit on rannas, plaanib siis ujuma minna ja lähebki.
Tuleb tagasi oma asjade juurde ja karjub:,,Kus mu kotid on?''

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eestlane, venelane ja sakslane lähevad kõrtsi ja siis kõrtsmik küsib, et "mis see on mingi anekdoot vä?"

[poizzz123]

Hea mõttetu nali--

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Neeger päevitab
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I will achieve greatness!

[dipsy]

[zindrel]

Okei,
Lendavad kaks lennukit. Üks kukub alla. Teine oli ka Vene lennuk.

Kaks trammi sõidavad. Üks keerab vasakule. Teine tramm on sinine.

[genky]

Minu bioloogiatund 12. klassis

Teemaks oli, et erinevad liigid ei saa omavahel paljuneda.
Klassivend küsib seepeale õpetajalt: "Aga kust teie teate, et erinevad liigid omavahel paljuneda ei saa?"
Õpetaja muigab, teeb pähe muheda irvitava näo ning vastab: "Iga bioloog on korra d¾unglis ära käinud."
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Asashio | AniMatsuri | MyAnimeList

[Hull]

Parim nali ültse mu meelest:

Miks ükski blondiin kunagi midagi tarka ei ütle?
Sest nad on lollid!
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Don´t call me Mister! I work for living.

[chi]

varsti tekivad näole naerukortsud......
Nad kõlavad inglise keeles ikka palju paremini....

BIGSHOT!!!
The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo-and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

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Unnecessary Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

On a blanket from Taiwan
Not to be used as protection from a tornado

On a Taiwanese shampoo
Use repeatedly for severe damage

On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink in Britain
After opening, keep upright

On a New Zealand insect spray
This product not tested on animals

On a Korean kitchen knife
Warning: keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts
Warning - contains nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals

On a Superman costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly

In a US guide to setting up a new computer
To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening (the instruction was inside the box)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating.

On a packet of airline nuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts

On some frozen dinners
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

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Arcade Game Wisdom
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
3. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough coins.
4. If it moves, KILL IT!
5. One good guy can defeat an indeterminate number of bad guys.
6. Bosses always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their easy work.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it.
9. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
10. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
11. You can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
12. If someone dies, they disappear.
13. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
14. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weapons.
15. If you get mad enough, you can fight even more fiercely than normal.
16. If it's on the ground, pick it up.
17. Repulsive, ugly, cannibalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters.
18. The operation of any weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
19. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
20. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
21. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
22. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
23. It is easier to face a large mob of "bad guys" then a single "boss" in one on one combat.
24. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
25. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
26. Shooting innocents hurts.
27. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
28. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a very short time.
29. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
30. All female martial artists wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
31. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
32. The enemy always leaves weapons and other goodies lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with them.
33. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil and deserved it. If it survives, pick it up - it was probably a bonus.
34. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have achieved a nearly impossible flawless win record and killed a record number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the crud out of you.
35. When the odds are 200 to 1 against you, it's no problem.
36. Gang members all look the same, and often have the same names.
37. When racing, don't worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new one will appear in its place.
38. Carpe diem! You only live three times!

[acousmatique]

Üks mu lemmikutest:

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The children begin unpacking the bags they have brought with them, revealing various dildos and sex toys (some rather benign looking, some downright disturbing), a large horse insemination syringe, a mixing bowl, a hot plate, half a dozen eggs, an industrial blender, a huge butcher knife, a fine china plate, some silverware, and a frying pan.
The father gives a small nod to mother and she obediently slips outside the office, returning a moment later dragging behind her a 6 foot long, black, plastic bag with a zipper running the length of the top.

The agent gives a start and says "Ummmm, is that a..."

"Please" the father says, holding up a hand, "No questions until we have finished. This act requires extremely precise timing and the utmost concentration. If anything goes wrong...well, the results could be messy. May I borrow this chair?"

"Oh...of course", says the agent.

"Thank you so much" says the father, picking it up and placing it near the plastic bag. He then casts an eye across his family and all the objects assembled and gives a nod of approval.

Handing the agent a form and a clipboard he says "Please sign this waiver."

The agent, very intrigued at this point, signs the paper and gives it back.

"Thank you" says father, then to the family, "Shall we begin?"

The whole family disrobes and the daughter immediately gets down and starts sucking the dog's cock while her brother puts a pair of tube socks on the dog's front paws. Mother gets down on all fours and as her son spreads her pussy open wide, her young daughter guides the dog's cock into it.
While the animal is humping away, brother grabs a particularly menacing looking dildo from the pile and begins fucking his sister with it, while father gets down and sucks the boy's cock. Meanwhile, sister takes her father's dick in her mouth and begins sliding deep down her slender, young throat. Without missing a stroke of the dildo, brother now retrieves an extremely large implement that looks more like a medieval torture device than a sex toy. It is generally phallic in design, but seems to be made of clay and is covered with what appears to be razor sharp points. He reaches up to his mothers pussy, which is dripping at this point, and gets a good amount of juice on his hand. Rubbing it on the "toy", he aims it at his sister's asshole and jabs it in without warning. She screams in pain, almost biting her father's dick in the process.
The dog is really going at it at his point and is obviously about to cum. Father jumps up and at precisely the right moment, pulls the dog out of his wife and lets the doggie cum fly though the air. With unbelievable quickness, mother slides down, catches it in her mouth, grabs the dog in one hand and the butcher knife in the other, bites off the dog's testicles, and spits them into the blender. She then proceeds to gut the howling, squirming animal, letting the entrails fall into the blender as well. Giving the eviscerated animal a kiss on the snout, she hurls it at the agent. It lands on his head and just kind of sits there like some kind of hat.
She turns the blender on, lets it run for a moment, then pours the offal into the mixing bowl. Father cracks the eggs into the bowl as well, then places the frying pan on the hot plate and turns it on.

At this point, mother unzips the bag and dumps a very badly decomposed, bloated body of a woman onto the floor. Quickly turning her over on her back with a flourish, she gives father a sign and he lays down on the floor and begins to perform cunnalingus on the corpse. Mother gets up on the chair and waits a moment before leaping into the air and landing right on the swollen, distended belly of the cadaver and with a loud popping noise, the dead vagina lets loose with a river of body fluids, liquified organs, and adipocere all over father's face and into his waiting mouth. He quickly gets up and spits it into the mixing bowl, along with a healthy portion of his own vomit.
Mother stirs it all up with her hand, dips the horse insemination syringe into the bowl, fills it up, tosses it to her son, and gets down on all fours again.
Barely looking up from the task at hand, brother removes the spiked behemoth from his sister, catches the syringe, inserts it into his sister's bleeding rectum, and pushes the plunger down until half of the unholy stew is inside her. He then tosses it to his father, who inserts it into his wife's pussy, filling it with the remainder.

Working with military like precision, father and son carry the mother and daughter over to the frying pan and hold them over it.
"Tora Tora Tora!" both girls cry as they play with each other tits and let loose the foul mixture into the pan simultaneously. The office is filled with an unbelievable odor as father stirs the unholy omelet, waiting until it is the perfect consistency.
With the air of a gourmet chef, he slides the delicacy onto a plate and the happy family pass it to each other, each taking a bite, smacking their lips and gazing lovingly at each other.


For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
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☞ [...LIL B MIXTAPE PLAYING VERY LOUDLY...] ☀

[shether]

[Bushidon]

Fui, Fushi!!!
Tule taevas appi!

[Random]

Fushi. Kas sa tead, et ma just praegu lõpetasin End of Evangelioni vaatamise? Kombineeritud sinu "naljaga" tekkis mul praegu tõsine tahtmine midagi halba teha. Eelkõige tekkis muidugi tahtmine röökida täiest kõrist "mida *****?????"

Kaks jubedust jutti võrdub üks väga segase hingeseisuga Random Hero.
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[Seichi]

See the documentary, ppl .)
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Muhahahahaha...Aarghhh...*slash* die, dIE, DIE!!!!!

[10:04] <schiz> mingi graafiline disain on minu jaoks liiga wannabe värk

Eile Narvas kogunenud Juri Mi¹ini ja Vene kaasmaalaste ühingu korraldatud miitingul nõuti peaminister Andrus Ansipi tagasiastumist, pronksmehe taastamist Tõnismäele ning vene keelt riigikeeleks.

Pigs will even climb trees if you flatter them enough.

[MTI]

tore üllatus küll, reminds me of gurochan