Naljanurk

[chi]

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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The language the kids used these days are weird. One day after a presentation a

guy came up to me and he was like "yo man you where the shit"
I was like "...you wanna take this outside?"
But then i found it it was a complement these days.
So another guy came up to me later and said "dude your phat."
I was suprised but this was also a complement the P H A T fat that is.
"You man YOU DA BOMB."
Ok i get angry but i don't explode, BUT that is ALSO a complement.
I was SO confused if all these meens your cool does that meen if you a Fat Shit Bomb your the best?!?

[Vabarnamees]

[Random]

[kammerer]

Mu meelest oli see The Aristocrats`i film jumala mõttetu muhe onamine : ) Nagu mõned naljad on vanad. Ja see ei tee neid nalju paremaks ega legendaarsemaks, kui nad ilgelt ropud on.

[chi]

hakkaks ehk nalju sinise fondi all postitama....et neid spammist kergem eristada oleks "ne..."?!

THREE MEN WERE WALKING THROUGH THE JUNGLE IN MUKIT TIMAH AND THEY FOUND A GENIE SITTING BY A CLIFF . THE GENIE SAIS " I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH , ALL YUO HAVE TO DO IS SAY WHAT U WANT AND JUMP OFF THE CLIFF".

THE 1ST GUY WENT TO THE EDGE , YELLED "MONEY" AND JUMPS OFF, HE LANDS IN A BIG PILE OF MONEY.
THE SECOND GUY GOT UP AND YELLED "WOMEN" , HE LANDS AMONG HUNDREDS OF WOMEN. THE THIRD GUY, WHO WAS PRETTY EXCITED NOW, GOT TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF, SLIPPED AND YELLED "SH*T"!

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Why People Act the Way They Do


On the first day God created the cow. God said,"You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten" So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

[Trash]

[raidomees]

Miks mõned ühtäkki nii ropud siin teemas on. Kas mingi reegel mitte ei öelnud, et üritame lapsukesi roppusest säästa või oli see ainult piltide kohta, aga igatahes labased naljad ja roppus ei ole just minu meele järgi huumor.

Vaatasin järgi ja oli küll ainult piltide kohta, aga mõelgem ometi lastele!

[Bushidon]

[raidomees]

[Nana]

Bussipeatuses seisab suurte rindadega blond naine. Temast möödub üks lühike vanamees, vaatab kella ja uurib graafikut. Läheb naise juurde, vaatab talle otsa ja küsib: "Mis kell saab, mul seisab?" Seejärel saab ta pahase naise käest kõva kõrvakiilu.

[chi]

Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the
shovel!"

__________________

mnjah.....

Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

8. Hangovers go away.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. A beer goes down easy.

16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care how late you arrive.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.

27. When you're interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.

28. A beer is always satisfying.

29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.

30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.

31. A beer does not come with in-laws.

32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.

33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.

34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.

35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.

36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.

37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.

38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.

39. Beer won't drive you to drink.

40. You can shoot a beer.

41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.

42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.

43. A tree is good enough for a beer.

44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.

45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.

46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.

47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation--it goes along happily.

48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.

49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.

50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.

51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.

52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.


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There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical *(SL)**.*

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, ! no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! Wh at can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the

driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is

the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's

annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car

to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope....... .just when it's raining."


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To: My Loving Wife....
>>
>>A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he
>>decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
>>Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he
>>sent the e-mail. Meanwhile...
>>Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
>>husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
>>messages from relatives and
>>friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
>>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
>>floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>>
>>
>>To: My Loving Wife
>>Subject: I've Reached
>>Date: 29 Dec 2005
>>I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
>>now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
>>just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has
>>been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
>>you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>>Regards,
>> Your Loving Husband



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[-XXX-]

Rehahoroskoop:

jäär: Kui jäär on reha peale astunud, läheb ta nii marru, et trambib selle pilbasteks. Paraku saab ta reha lõhkudes sellega mitu korda pihta, nii et viimaks on tal pulgad peas.

sõnn: Sõnn astub uuesti reha peale. Ja siis veel kord ja veelkord jne. Kuni reha läheb katki. Seejärel läheb ta uut otsima. Vales suunas.

kaksikud: Kaksikud oskavad otsustada kuhu edasi minna, alles siis kui on astunud kõikide rehade otsa. Siis alustavad otsast peale. Mõlemast.

vähk: Alles reha peale astumine viib vähi nii kaugele, et astub sammu edasi, mis tagurpidi tähendab tagasi.

lõvi: Lõvi räägib igaühele, kui mõnus on reha peale astuda. Ning soovitab tungivalt kõikidel sedasama teha. Kes ei astu, sellele virutab ta ise rehavarrega ja küsib "kas nüüd said aru?".

neitsi: Neitsi jätkab astumist pikalt ja põhjalikult. Ta on veendunud, et kui viimaks õigesti astub saab kõik korda ja astub siis mööda.

kaalud: Kaalud mõõdavad ja kaaluvad väga kaua, et jõuda ainsale õigele otsusele. Ja astuvad siis kõige suurema reha peale.

skorpion: Kui skorpion üldse märkabki, mis juhtus- siis vaevalt talle midagi erilist pähe torkab.

ambur: Ambur püüab kindlasti kättemaksta. Ja astub peale pikka sihtimist uuesti ja valusasti.

kaljukits: Astunud reha peale, saab kaljukits aru, et on reha peale astunud. Ja otsustab, et ega see muu tähenda.

veevalaja: Veevalaja astub ainult selle reha peale, mis talle meeltmööda on.

kalad: Kalad jäävad ennast selle teo eest eluksajaks süüdistama. Õnneks saavad nad ennast lohutada selle mõttega, et tänu neile ei astunud reha peale keegi teine.

"Andke andeks, doktor, et ma teid sellise koerailmaga välja kutsusin!"
"Oh, pole viga. Ka teie kõrvalmajja on väljakutse, nii et tapan kaks kärbest ühe hoobiga."

"Küll need arstid on ikka targad," kiidab üks patsient teisele. "Eile ütles asrt õele, et mina homset päikest ei näe. Ja ole sa lahke...täna sadaski päev otsa."

Abiks naise tõlgile
Naine ütleb: Sa tahad.
Naine mõtleb: Sa tahad.
Naine ütleb: Meil on vaja.
Naine mõtleb: Ma tahan.
Naine ütleb: See on sinu otsus.
Naine mõtleb: Õige otsus peaks olema silmnähtav.
Naine ütleb: Tee mis tahad.
Naine mõtleb: Sa veel maksad selle eest.
Naine ütleb: Muidugi...Lase käia!
Naine mõtleb: Ma ei taha, et sa seda teed.
Naine ütleb: Ma ei ole närvis.
Naine mõtleb: Muidugi olen ma närvis, sa juhmakas.
Naine ütleb: Sa oled nii mehelik...
Naine mõtleb: Sa peaks habet ajama ja sa haised higi järele.
Naine ütleb: Tahaks romantikat. Kustuta tuled ära.
Naine mõtleb: Mul on rasvavoldid.
Naine ütleb: Siin köögis on nii kitsas.
Naine mõtleb: Ma tahan uut maja.
Naine ütleb: Mul on valgeid kingi vaja.
Naine mõtleb: Teised kuus paari on vale tooni valged.
Naine ütleb: Riputa pilt siia.
Naine mõtleb: Kuhu nüüd!? Ei, ikka siia!
Naine ütleb: Kas sa armastad mind?
Naine mõtleb: Ma tahan, et sa ostaksid mulle midagi kallist.
Naine ütleb: Kui väga sa mind armastad?
Naine mõtleb: Ma tegin täna midagi, mis sulle üldse ei meeldi.
Naine ütleb: Paar minutit veel ja ma olen valmis.
Naine mõtleb: Võta kingad jalast ja tee tunnine uinak.
Naine ütleb: Ega ma ei ole ju paks?
Naine mõtleb: Ütle, et ma olen ilus.
Naine ütleb: Kas sa üldse kuulad mind?
Naine mõtleb: Liiga hilja, sa oled juba hukka mõistetud.
Naine ütleb: Ja
Naine mõtleb: Ei
Naine ütleb: Ei
Naine mõtleb: Ei
Naine ütleb:Võib- olla
Naine mõtleb: Ei
Naine ütleb: Anna andeks.
Naine mõtleb: Sa veel palud mu käest andeks.
Naine ütleb: Kuidas see söök sulle maitses?
Naine mõtleb: Parem hakka sellega kohe harjuma!
Naine ütleb: Me lähme ostame siit ainult ühe väikese seebikarbi.
Naine mõtleb: Ma tulen tagasi terve toatäie asjadega.
Naine ütleb: Ma ei karju!
Naine mõtleb: Karjun jah, sest see on tähtis asi.
Naise vastuseid küsimusele "Mis sul viga on?"
Naine ütleb: Mis sa ise arvad?
Naine mõtleb: Ei midagi.
Naine ütleb: Ei midagi.
Naine mõtleb: Kõik on halvasti.
Naine ütleb: Tõesti mitte midagi.
Naine mõtleb: Sa oled ikka täitsa jobu.
Naine ütleb: Ma ei taha sellest rääkida.
Naine mõtleb: Ma võtan alles hoogu.


seda teksti andis trükkida

[Cliodna]

Püstihull Vertikaalidioot
Võimunälg Poliitapetiit
Vallavaene Munitsipaal-asotsiaal
Avalik naine Legaalleedi
Ninatark Nasaalgeenius
Altkäemaks Illegaal-manuaalne investeering
Sõimusõna Vulgaarverb
Juhtoinas Mänedžerjäär
Piiluja Visuaalpervert
Rahvuslind Natsionaalprostituut
Talutüdruk Agraarbeib
Puupea Dendrodebiilik
Sitaratas Fekaalovaal
Keelepeksja Lingvahuligaan
Salaarmuke Illegaalne seksuaalsatelliit
Ilu-eedi Dekoratiivdändi
Loll Intellektioponent ehk mõistuse suhtes opositsioonis asetsev subjekt
---------------
Gei-sõnastik:

I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.

Haven't I seen you before?
Nice ass.

I need you.
My hand is tired.

You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.

I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

He's kinda cute.
I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much
I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?

Do you love me?
I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!

-----------

1. Hea: Su naine on rase. Halb: Teil on juba viis last. Väga halb: Sind kastreeriti 2 aastat tagasi...
2. Hea: Su naine ei räägi sinuga. Halb: Ta soovib lahutust. Väga halb: Ta on jurist...
3. Hea: Su poeg mehistub silmnähtavalt. Halb: Tal on suhe 30-aastase naabrinaisega. Väga halb: Sul ka...
4. Hea: Su poeg viibib pidevalt oma toas. Halb: Sa avastad tema voodi alt pornokad. Väga halb: Sina oled mõnel neist...
5. Hea: Su mees on nõus - rohkem pole lapsi vaja. Halb: Rasestumisvastased tabletid on kadunud. Väga halb: Need võttis teie alaealine tütar...
6. Hea: Su mees jagab moest nii mõndagi. Halb: Sa avastad, et ta kasutab salaja Sinu riideid. Väga halb: Need sobivad talle paremini...
7. Hea: Sa räägid oma tütrega seksist ja suguhaigustest. Halb: Ta katkestab Sind pidevalt... Väga halb: ...ja parandab...
8. Hea: Su pojal on esimene kohtamine. Halb: Mehega. Väga halb: Kes on sinu ülemus...
9. Hea: Su tütar leidis kohe pärast kõrgkooli lõpetamist töö. Halb: Prostituudina. Väga halb: Mõned Su kolleegidest on tema püsikliendid. Eriti halb: Ta teenib Sinust kõvasti rohkem...
10. Hea: Eelnevad punktid panid Sind muigama. Halb: Sa tead palju selliseid olukordi. Väga halb: Enda kogemustest...
------------------
Venemaa.
President Putin külastab tundi ühes koolis, esineb seal, siis aga lausub:
“Kellel oleks mulle küsimusi?”
Tõuseb Petja:
“Mul on Teile 3 küsimust:
a)Miks Hodorkovski kinni istub?
b)Miks elab meie riigis enamik inimesi vaesuses?
c)Miks rikutakse Venemaal pidevalt inimõigusi?”
Putin mõtleb, mida vastata, samas heliseb kell ning lapsed tõttavad
vaheajale. Järgmise tunni algul küsib Putin taas:
“On teil mulle veel küsimusi?”
Tõuseb Vova:
“Mul on Teile 5 küsimust:
a)Miks Hodorkovski kinni istub?
b)Miks elab meie riigis enamik inimesi vaesuses?
c)Miks rikutakse Venemaal pidevalt inimõigusi?”
d)Miks helises kell 15 minutit varem?
e)Kus on Petja?”
--------------------
Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
_________________
SOMEONE SAYS I HAVE NO LIFE - GO AND BUY MORE HEALTH POTIONS!
Avatari-Alucard: tehtud Paintis minu poolt, animeeritud abivalmi dA kasutaja abil.

[Random]

paksus kirjtuatud asjad on minuga juhtunud!

You call your dog Shinji.

You perform a canon ball dive into a pool while yelling "Spirit Bomb!"

Your house has an anime room.

You and your friends flash peace signs and take girlish poses when you are happy.

You get an anime tattoo. even though you're scared of needles.

Your walls are covered in wallscrolls and posters from your favorite series.

If you use the term 'Kawaii' for describing everything.

You try to convince your girlfriend that 'cat ears' and 'tail' really looks good on them.

You can sing songs from your favorite shows, in Japanese, even though you dont speek Japanese...

You spent hours looking through your library for a copy of "The Universe of Four Gods"

You have legally changed your name to that of your favorite charcter.

You wear a necklace and fall down everytime someone says sit boy.

You insist on having an entrance that includes spotlights, music, and raining cherry blossoms (while you hold a rose if you're a guy).

Your only dream is to attend Tokyo U with a girl you haven't seen in 15 years.

You play an instrument and you nick name it Inuyasha

For valinetines day you buy a stuffed dog and make up your on japanese name for it

If you get mad at you teacher and draw a picture of her as a anime demon cat

You wtch Iron Chef constanly to pick up great recipes ( haven't done it but plan to )

You've bought a twenty dollar ring in the shaped of a dragon to show off at school.

You always have your hair covering your left eye and always fliping it so you look like a anime character.

You think that falling flat on your back with your legs in the air is a normal reaction to big news.

You are worried because you don't have several desirable members of the opposite sex frantically trying to make you fall in love with them.

You shave a cresent moon onto your cats head, dye the cat purple, then take it to school and insist it's Luna, your talking cat.

You go around town trying to eat donuts and act all crazy-like, all the while saying you're Vash the Stampede.

To resolve a conflict, you insist in a duel.

The employees at Gamestop know you, and tell you when you walk in if they've gotten a new shipment of anime DVDs.

You've gotten angry at someone and placed two fingers on your forehead shouted the word "Makanekasopo!" (specail beam cannon or light of death) and then poked them in the eye.

You waste countless amounts of hair gel to get that "Goku look"

You map out points in Tokyo where the Dragons of Earth might attack

You believe it is possible for a person to be severly beaten in the head with a large hammer, stick, etc...and still come out alive.

You have a moment of confusion whenever you go to school because there are no girls in those tiny little skirts that come with their school uniform

You yell out 'Baka hanyou Inu-Yasha!' at your birthday party and everyone (except your parents) knows you're talking to your boyfriend.

You tell your parents you need to stay out past curfew to save the colonies.

Each time you see a stray animal, you turn your hat sideways and throw one of those plastic Pokeballs Burger King was giving out in their kids' meals yelling, "POKEBALL, GO!"

You add "no da" to the end of all statements you make

The majority of your CDs are Japanese or the English version of a Japanese soundtrack or the English soundtrack of an anime that just decided that it would use English in its songs.

You misplace your manga and someone at school you don't even know gives it to you saying they knew it was yours.

You incorporate Japanese, somehow, into every class.

You can sing songs from your favorite shows, in Japanese, even though you dont speek Japanese...

You use random Japanese words such as baka, kawaii, and hentai.

You try to read every book from right to left

You take a break from watching anime to go to your computer (nicknamed Lord Conti) to download anime (for previewing purposes only! ), while visiting your favorite anime forum, while listening to Japanese webradio...

You call your parents Oka-san and Otou-san

You say ITADAKIMASU!! before you eat your meals

You think that locket your boyfriend gave you will turn you into a magical girl

You'll risk grounding to get a good new fanfic.

You constantly say "w00p" after almost every sentance.

You insist on chopsticks for everyday use. (vahel kasutan)

Your bookshelf is filled with anime boxed sets and no books

You stop listening to the radio because english makes no sense to you anymore and it's your first spoken language

You call yourself "otaku."

All of your family portraits have been altered to the proper super large eye size.

Random battles seem to erupt wherever you go.

You take the time to write messages on your cigarettes, only to burn them right away.

Your dreams are animated.

You naru punch all the guys at school, and then wonder why they don't follow you around like keitaro follows naru.

You hold your eyes really wide all day trying to make them stay big

Duct tape is really funny to you and most of your threats involve taping people to walls.

When you're washing dishes you yell out "SUPAH WAVE SMASHUH!" or any water attack.

You run out of space on your computer because the hard drive is taken up by hundreds of anime pics, mp3s, midis, and music videos.

You spend all night trying to figure out how many people you can get to go in with you on buying the complete collection of Sailor Moon episodes in Japanese.

You spend your whole spring break working on an anime webpage.

You expect to see a teardrop over someone's head when they get embarressed.

You start to speak with an odd accent.

You can watch two animes in the same room at the same time and still have the TV off.

You know your favorite character's bloodtype.

Knowing Sailor Moon helps you on an Astronomy test.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to anime.
_________________

[dipsy]

You've gotten angry at someone and placed two fingers on your forehead shouted the word "Makanekasopo!" (specail beam cannon or light of death) and then poked them in the eye.

see meeldis mulle see mõte et nii võiks teha
_________________

[chi]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty
> >miles perhour.The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly
> >looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
> >
> >"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but

> >I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road
> >ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks
> >again.
> >
> >"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because
> >I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far
> >better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips
> >the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

> >mph.
> >
> >He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to
> >60 mph."I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says,
> >"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
> >The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
> >This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
> >anything you want?"
> >
> >The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,
> >I've got everything I need." she says. Oh, really?" he inquires, "So

> >what have you got?"
> >
> >Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him

> >and smiles. ...."The airbag."....
> >
> >Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
> >Moral of the story:
> >
> >Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The
> >husband sure die and wife gets everything!


------------------------------------------------------------------------



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Sex is like math : add the bed,subtract the clothes,divide the legs and hope you don't multiply!
Sex is a sin, sin can be forgiven, so sex is in!
Stupidity has no limit.


A Trip to China

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!," the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "you no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"

Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."

Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.

Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"

Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

That is how Indians do business

[chi]

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."


------------


Flight

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.."

------------

Deer For Dinner

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams

[veso]

Eestlane, Venelane ja Soomlane on basseini juures.
Jumal lubab neile et kui nad hüüavad mida nad tahavad sinna basseini ja hüppavad sinna sisse siis ta võlub ka selle asja basseini.
Venelane jookseb, hüüab "Vodka!" ja hüppab basseini.
Soomlane jookseb, hüüab "Õlu!" ja hüppab basseini.
Eestlane jookseb, komistab ääre otsa ja karjub "Oh shit!" ja lendab basseini.
_________________

~~~~~~In FLames <3~~~~~~

[chi]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
>
>
> "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
>
> The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
>
> "Yes,Father, it is."
>
>
> "And who was the woman you were with?"
>
> "I can't tell you, Father. I don'twant to ruin her reputation."
>
> "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you might
> as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
>
> "I cannot say."
>
> "Was it Teresa Volpe?"
>
> "I'll never tell."
>
> "Was it Gina Capelli?"
>
> "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
>
> "Was it Mary Piriano?"
>
> "My lips are sealed."
>
> "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
>
> "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>
> The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, Johnny Parisi,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an

altar boy for at least four months. Now you go and behave yourself."
>
> Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"
>
> "Four months' vacation and five good leads........"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher

was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend

by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army

of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were

walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep

end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in

to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered

her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be

mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad

news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the

person
you love, I concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt

right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a quiet drink after work one night,
when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever

seen entered.


He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,

sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous

that the woman could not help but stare.



The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and

with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize

for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.




"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely

anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars.

There's just one condition..."


Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said,

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition,
then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars.
She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around
the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand.
She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

"Clean... my... house."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toy Train...

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to

her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She

heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want

off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons

of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going

down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in

this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for

TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to

use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with

his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All

passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all

of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope

your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She

hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to

stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking

on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us

today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you!
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become

disoriented?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

REVENGE

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a

flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house

of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money

to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in Once in, she told him

to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any

diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after

making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the

Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes

later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out

the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place

with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are

going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just

happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease

that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter

home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and

have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have

a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the pr*ck who ran over my

FROG!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Black Man says:
When I'm Borned I'm Black
When I grow , I'm Black
When i get a tan , I'm Black
When I get cold , I'm Black
When I'm scared , I'm Black
WHen I'm sick , I'm Black
And when I die ..i'm still black

And u Whitee
When U'r Born .. U'r Pink
When U grow .. U'r White
When U get a Tan , U'r Red
When u get cold .. U'r Bluee
When U'r scared . ur yellow
When u'r sick , u'r green
When u die .. u'r grey

And U call me Colored ??!?! ...Fu*k of damn Rainbow ! >.<

Haha ....no racism intended ^.^

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind
him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's

a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the

computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten

seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He

deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the

computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm

water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and

masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at WalMart

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very

drunk and as the walk home taking longer then expected, find themselves

desperate for a wee.
As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve

themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have

nothing to wipe themselves with.
The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards,

which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't

want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still

has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together

with card.' just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers

towards her, and uses the card.
Then they head home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the

second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no

knickers on last night!"
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife

came home with a card stuck up her arse that said ' We'll never forget you-

from all the lads in the fire station'!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a
note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried

to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you
tart, I'm married!


Broken furniture $188.25
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.35
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless...

[chi]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives

each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and

buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this

to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos

for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has

spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back

his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save fo r

their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her........

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it

out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and

dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed

down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call

her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number

down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,

"You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if

you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me

off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been

waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which

included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I

thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for

sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at

34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole

#1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your @ss," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang

war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes

beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news

crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I see you going to be a tough sell .......

Three women -- one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my Pager," she said.? "I have a microchip under the

skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.

The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile

phone.? I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something

just as impressive.

She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper

hanging from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.


The hillbilly woman finally said, "well, well will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax.

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband spinning around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies." he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females." he replied.

Intrigued, she asked him how he could tell their gender.

He replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

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Yesterday was a tough day. I had this headache burning a hole in my skull. I got bitched out at work by

a retard. My finance told me I am the scum of the earth. Then I had to go to the bank. I just had to

make a small withdrawl, nothing crazy.

But while I was in line, I just got this itch. So I scratched my balls. Then I started thinking about

how I would love something extra. Something more than I had already. Something...I deserved. The wait

was getting to me. My forehead was dripping with sweat, I must have had a fever.

Rational thought was replaced with something almost from a dream. "Am I still alive?", I thought to

myself. "Yes, yes I am...and this day will be forever changing." After what seemed like hours I finally

approached the pimply-faced teller. "Hello!", he said in his squeaky annyoing drone, "what can I do for

you today?"

So I looked the teller right in the eyes. I gazed into his soul and could smell the fear lurking inside

him. I handed him a piece of paper that had specific instructions...this plan was fool-proof. "This is

what you'll do.", I said as I winked just slightly.

Shaken, the teller walked off. He glanced back at me to see if I was serious. One quick glance into my

nearly-posessed stare and he knew I was not fucking around.

He came back quickly, and with everything I had demanded. I gave him one last stare-down so he knew

that if he had failed or tried to trick me, he would surely soon be dead.

I walked out of the bank laughing like a school-girl on crack. I had actually done it. I stole the pen.

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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather hot looking blonde behind him has

just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend
whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my @ss?!"

"Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher..."

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Why men have better friends

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a

friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,

and two claimed that he was still there.

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Short Story...

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as
possible.

The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three
things:
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery




Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

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Teacher: Why are you late?
Manu: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Manu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Manu: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Manu: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how to spell it!


Teacher: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Manu: Me!

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Manu: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be

showing?
Manu: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Manu: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Manu: A teacher